The way were were going to spend New Years Eve has changed drastically.
Plan one involved some champagne and tasty snacks, watching a good movie or watching the new year ring in around the world. This would be shared with our son and his girlfriend as they were meant to be in Florida now. But getting snowed-in in Chicago meant they wouldn't be here.
Plan two switched to Doug's brother coming up to visit so we'd chill out at Dad's house and visit, swill beer, eat dinner...fun stuff.
The hospital really didn't figure into any plans. But, here we are. Doug and I were enjoying our time off, just doing pleasurable things like riding the bike, eating good food, walking, enjoying each other's company.....then we must have attracted the attention of jealous gods who decided we were having way too much enjoyment. As we walked through the Barnes and Noble bookstore he felt a numbness down his left arm, side and face. He called his doctor who urged us to go to the emergency room.
Our world took a devastating turn with fears of a stroke, a heart attack, both? The cliff's notes version of this is he spent a hellish 36 plus hours in bay 13 in the emergency room because they didn't have rooms available. Finally they got him a room and it's worlds different, blessedly quiet. He's had a Cat Scan, MRI, EKG and is now off to more tests. It's very frightening from my point of view to even imagine him not being in my life. We are thick as thieves and spend literally almost every hour of the day together. We never run out of things to talk about or tire of each other's company, even after 24 years of marriage.
From his point of view, my god, I can't even imagine the scenes that play out. When I was gravely ill in the past the mind plays out the inevitable scenarios of dying. The "what ifs' in our mind that we are unable to control and scare the hell out of you.
We want our snug, cozy life back. If it means meds, if it means a drastic change of diet, whatever it means we'll abide. I just want him home. I feel like a transparency, as part of me is faded off. And one of the worst things about it is I am powerless to make it right. I can't fix it. I'd trade places with him in a heart beat.
Please keep us in your thoughts.
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